The dance of being yourself and sharing is a tricky business. For years I searched for something. For what I wasn't exactly clear. What I wanted was someone who loved me. My fantasy, someone who loved me enough to set limits, spank me if necessary, take me in hand. I used to listen to this dating phone service in my city. I listened to the Domination/Submission category. Yikes! No one seemed to talk about love there. When I happened to bump into Gary, I had nothing to lose. I just decided to be myself. No fibs, no 'prove my worth'. My personality is highly intelligent, a force to be reckoned with, softened with a soft voice and easy laugh. I seemingly tricked men most of my life because of it. Boy did they resent the hell out of me when they found out that a soft voice doesn't mean a soft character.

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Gary took the time to find out went when on behind the voice. He asked questions, challenged answers and tripped me up. It wasn't long before he found out I had a private submissive streak I barely knew I had myself. It was a matter of him wanting to know me better. What (designed) luck that he could easily coax me to defer to him. All with attention and soft suggestions. His only request is that I be myself. From there he went to great lengths to have me trust him.

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In a possible relationship, you need to build a foundation of caring and love. Your man's personality will come out. You can drop hints, he can ask questions. But if it's not love, why would you allow any man to dominate you or take you in hand? To overlook the initial attraction and go right for the dominance, as some do, would be to miss a very big and important first step. Don't look for that above all else. Look for trust and love. No matter how society creates men today, I believe that once they reach a certain age, their own confidence takes over and the importance of one on one is primary. Meaning he's willing to take a chance. I know it's hard. Don't ever give up on the dream.

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It really does have to be all about the love and trust. When I dated and then married my husband, I had never even thought about submission and dominance. I'd had a desire for spanking since I was a child, but never fathomed that it would have any relevance in my marriage. I did my best to recognize my emotional needs and sought someone who would take care of these. I was also mature enough to realize that what we sometimes think we need (especially when we're younger) in some cases may not turn out to be as important as we'd thought in real life. In my case, I'd always imagined myself with someone gregarious, the life of the party type, but ended up falling in love with a quiet, shy, deep-thinker with a wicked sense of humor, in actuality a much better match for my outgoing personality in many ways. If I'd given him "dominance tests" to determine if he was the One, he very likely would've failed for a variety of reasons. And if, based on those results, I'd walked away, oh what wonderful years I would've missed out on. Move forward 10+ years and no, he's not the perfect Dom. But our self-sacrificing love for one another has moved me to work hard to make him happy, and he continues to work on providing the leadership and discipline that I finally acknowledged and voiced. For me, searching for the dominance first before seeing the love and trust would've been more like putting the cart before the horse. I know many here feel just the opposite about these things, but this has been my own experience.

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It is never easy to get what is important. The path of least resistance is something we all fall into from time to time. It looks good, seems easy to get, let's grab it and check it out. We bring it home and it's not exactly what we wanted. But what the heck... I'm' not sure we can be that cavalier about our potential love, relationship or partner. I for one had terrible luck with men. No lack of choices, but the quality of those choices were not so appealing. I think some people get to a point where they want to do the quick route. Find out if a person is dominant, or submissive first, then see a relationship can be built. The holes in that, is you miss an entire set of foundation building. What if they are the perfect dominant. But they don't like you have heavy thighs? Or you can't live with a sloppy person. Or whatever. Gary has a saying that at first made me roll my eyes. He says if some things were easy, everyone would be doing it. Hard is what makes it good. His point is, the effort is what creates the fulfillment. Meeting people has been a lifelong effort for everyone. Myself included. Don't think I believe it's a snap. What I think is, do it right.

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I was trying to find easy answers and fast shortcuts but what you wrote reminded me that we have to get to know someone, really do, before we can tell if that person is a suitable partner for us and our needs. I will also keep in mind that a man may possess the dominant qualities I'm looking for without me being able to detect it on the first two dates! It was a bit silly to even think that I could detect who someone really is in that short a time. And too often, those who seem dominant the moment you meet them, end up being people who take, demand and order but give too little... At least it is like this in my experience. I'm afraid I have lost track of what is primordial in any relationship : connection, heart and love. To be with a dominant man without any of these would be sad and empty. Finding the right person is about taking the risk to get closer and find out what happens then. And as it was said in an episode of the Ally McBeal TV show : "The funniest thing about love is that it's the one game you lose by refusing to play". And in love, there are no shortcuts. You have to get out there and take the risk...

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For many years I dated. Power dated it can be called. It was a love/hate ritual. The best behaviors, my favorite outfits (what can I say) the stories shared. Then watching while either of us did something that gave insight to the 'real' person. I would call this losing one's charm. I waited for it. Because that was the real stuff. When the pressure was mounted, then we see the stuffing of what we are made of. As time went on, I wanted desperately to go by easy access. The gentle ones. The ones who wanted to please, or do exciting things. Fun times. But I soon found out, once the conversation ends, it never comes back. Heaven knows I'm a talker. But I am not a fair talker. I want to know all about the other person. I ask, inquire, probe, listen..probe some more. By the end of the day, I knew everything, plus some. I used to gage the person by how well they could engage me. I was highly skilled at deflecting. Like many of us, I was looking for easy. I thought the more I knew, the easier it would be to choose. Was I wrong! Superficial guys, or ones easily distracted, or insecure ones. Who were desperate for attention or needed someone to listen. They were in abundance. How do you make a lasting relationship on that? Or how do you accept a dominant from that? I was shocked to my roots when Gary asked, probed, asked again and shared. No one had ever gotten that far with me. He was insistent, firm and funny. He made all the others seem so superficial by comparison. That was what made me open my eyes. What I was looking for was a formula. What I needed was a relationship. I know it's hard to believe. But if you slow down, look around and take your time, it is out there. The only formula that works, is the one where you get to be yourself. Spoken by someone who loved, lost, got lost, got confused and finally found.